Consciously Uncoupling
Just like there are rules of engagement, I believe there are also rules of dis-engagement.
Traditionally when a couple breaks up, I hear that they need space from each other, they can't be friends, they can't have the same friends, one or both must feel like hell dumped on them.
The list goes on.
But none of these makes breaking up or coping with the heart ache any easier.
There's tons of advice from friends, family and society at large that have taught us that separations should be painful, destructive experiences, but break ups can be an opportunity to turn the emotional pain of a breakup into "a catalyst for making a breakthrough in the way you show up in your life … and perhaps in your next relationship".
To consciously uncouple with the littlest amount of bruises these are my rules of dis-engagement.
Accept that it will not happen quickly - I've heard that completely getting over a relationship takes about as long as the relationship. So don't be in a hurry to rebound and jump into another ship. Your life revolved around this person for a little while, if for the sake of nothing else. Let yourself get used to the idea of being single again.
You don't have to go through it alone - a great support system is key in any stage in life, but it's particularly awesome when you have a friend/family or two that just gets it. Don't pretend you're fine when you're not. If you want to call him/her crying at 3 am, do it, find someone that will be there for you through this period.
Don't over indulge - a full shopping cart here, a tub of ice cream there. A lazy day in bed here, a couple hours of stalking there. It all adds up.
Definitely take time to acknowledge your feelings, and sometimes that includes indulging in your self pity and mourning the relationship. But don't over do it. It's all fun and games until you realise months later that not only are you single, but you're also angry, broke and a little chubbier than you used to be because you overindulged in yourself pity and let destructive habits fester.
Don't be tempted to put all your business on social media, or spend time seeing if the other person is having a better or worse time than you. In fact this is a wonderful time to take a couple steps back.
Evaluate the relationship.
What went wrong? What went well? What can you do better next time?
A good old SWOT analysis won't do you any harm, if anything it'll help you better equipped to deal with the recovery process. This is a good way to get closure, especially when the break up isn't as straightforward as one where there was an act of abuse or infidelity.
Spend more time with God
So you're single now, and you have all this free time you used to spend with your partner. This is typically the time that people wallow in depression and let everything slide down a couple notches, party hard, drink harder, +hook up with other people or pick up other habits to help them escape the mirage of emotions they're dealing with.
But my best advice is to give that time back to God, there's nothing like sitting in his presence and laying out all of your emotions, it's also a great way to find both clarity and peace.
And if you're not religious, dedicate that time to connecting in a being that's higher than you. Read motivational books, listen to speakers, Iyanla Vanzant and Rob Hill Sr are good options. But I'll also encourage you to seek God. Listen to a sermon or two on youtube. You may be pleasantly surprised by how much better you feel.
I'm not saying that break ups are completely painless, but I'm saying there are ways to get through it without completely falling apart at the seams.
Don't give up. You will find love again. Or better still it will find you.
Hope this helps xo