Being Present
The last couple weeks have been incredibly difficult for me, but I'd been fighting it. I finally ran out of steam last week. I had no more strength to fight, so I let the funk take over. I wallowed and marinated in it. Wednesday was a particular funk-filled day. I didn't know it was possible to go through so many emotions in one day.
I was feeling particularly negative and I took on everything with a negative vibe. I didn't want to work, I didn't want to go out, I didn't want to write, I didn't even want to eat.
I started out tired, then frustrated, angry, sad and then right back to angry. I didn't feel like leaving my bed, and I didn't have to but I managed to drag myself out of bed and work through my to do list until exhaustion took over.
I logged out of all my social media accounts and went to bed. And I slept through the night for the first time in 3 months. When I woke up, I started to write.
The fact of life is we don't always feel 'up to it', we don't feel like turning up, we're not always the life of the party. We don't want to go big, we simply want to go home. Sometimes we simply do not slay. I'm sure even Beyonce has those days. I can't explain the dark clouds away but I know one thing, it ALWAYS turn up. That's life.
I don't know if you've had an amazing fireworks and coffee induced productive week or if you've had a week like mine that you'd rather just push the reset/skip button on. Either way I'll say just be present. Take it in.
I had volunteered to work on a project for under privileged young black girls, and I dreaded it for days, when the day rolled round, it was the last thing I wanted to do, in fact I had initially cancelled my briefing meeting three times in order to avoid it.
But I eventually grew a pair and turned up to fulfil my commitment. And at the end of it I feel like I gained more from the session just by being around so much #BlackGirlMagic.
Show up to work, go to church, go to that social gathering you're dreading. Sometimes being present is just what we need. It doesn't mean you have to be ready to slay or even be prepared for anything, But sometimes just being present is enough. Make an appointment with what could be happiness.
Think about it, if you bailed on every opportunity life offered because you weren't feeling up to it, or because you were in a funk, you would have missed out on some truly incredible moments.
So I'm learning that when I want to check out, because I feel like I can't handle it, or I'm not ready, or don't have the capacity to live up to what others or even myself expect, then I really don't have enough faith in who I am.
I'm learning that sometimes my presence is enough. Just Me. No Facade. No Plan.
Just me. And my musings.
Like me typing because today is Sunday;
So I'm turning up to fulfil my commitment to meet you at this space.
To just be present.
And even when I don't feel like it, or have the answers, I'll be present to give you what I have.
Myself. I guess what this really is, is permission to be present. To just be.
Will you do the same?
Inspired by Jess - my spirit animal.